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The air was cool outside, cool and moist like sea air was meant to be. It felt good on his skin...stretched too tight from too many days of sickness, inactivity. He was breaking all his own rules about being sick, but he hardly cared...no shoes, no jacket, nothing but a wifebeater and jeans to protect him from the evening chill.

Jim liked his place, perched on the balcony railing in the far reaches of the city...nowhere out of comm range, but far enough out that he wasn't likely to be bothered. The ambient light was low enough to give him a killer view of the stars, and even as he sat there with his guitar in his lap he was mentally charting them...getting ready to jot down some new formations later when he hit the books again.

He was thinking too much, though...that's why he'd picked up his guitar. His own damn brain was driving him crazy, and music helped with it. The thoughts just drove themselves into the right channels...turned idle hands into productive ones, stopped his own reason and rationale from ripping him apart from the inside out.

Sometimes he hated the things his brain could do.

Strength in numbers
Me plus you
Don't know much else
But I know that's true
No storm alive I can't see through
Thought I was strong
Till I met you


Jim let the notes die on the air, frowning thoughtfully for a moment as he tilted his head, letting the last G chord fade into nothing. A beat later, he grinned and dissolved into laughter. It sucked ass, and he'd never even write it down...it was corny and silly, and he'd been thinking about Addie when he sang it.

Still, it was a nice, concise organization of everything he was thinking and feeling. So what if his feelings were the stuff that hokey Eighties power ballads were made of? At least his head felt a little clearer for it. Took him two hours of sitting outside and strumming his guitar to get there...but his stance and his stupidity sat in his head in a much different light. Loving her...wanting a family...bothered that she *didn't* want a family...it bothered him less now. Hopefully, he could get that through to her and smooth things out so that he wouldn't have to sleep on the couch or something when he got back to their quarters...

His laughter died as he frowned, taking stock of his chilled skin and his nose...just a little bit numb, sans booze. He'd been outside for a while...longer than a couple of hours. The sky was pretty dark at this point, too, given the light of the stars and the angle of the moon...yeah, he was deader than dead for being out this late. He'd lost track of time...

Lifting his head from where it rested back against the wall, Jim cursed softly under his breath as he swung his guitar off his lap and prepared to slide off the railing and back onto the balcony when a soft noise distracted him. Turning his head, he saw that he wasn't alone...and hadn't been for a while, given the way Addie was huddled in on herself, hair loose and a track jacket thrown on over her pajamas.

Grinning, Jim swung his legs around so they hung down off the railing while he sat there, guitar still in hand. His free hand he lifted in a silencing gesture. "Okay...if you were standing there when that crappy lyric came out? Hall and Oates briefly took possession of my body. Just get me an old priest and a young priest and I'll be fine. Promise."

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no_russianbride
Jan. 13th, 2008 07:01 am (UTC)
She'd felt bad about the other night, and really she knew he meant well but she just didn't like the way he'd cornered her and she still hadn't given him an answer, and probably wasn't any closer to even a maybe... at least not one she'd commit to just yet. But he'd been upset and she knew that he'd find some place... somewhere just to collect his thoughts. So she let him be, leaving him to have his moment or his hour to be alone. But when the hour grew to too many she went looking for him and found him on an observation deck braving the chill of the night.

He hadn't heard her come onto the platform and so she leaned against the far wall just watching him. Tucking her hair behind her ear casually and pulling her jacket tighter across her as the night grew darker and colder, but still she just watched him. Watched him be really who she loved him for and she couldn't find fault in that in any way shape or form.

When he got up to leave and saw her there, cheeks red from the wind and nose a bit cold from the temperature she just smiled at him, "It's been a while but it's okay, I didn't mind, and I'll make sure to write Hall and Oates a letter."
irish_sherlock
Jan. 13th, 2008 07:29 am (UTC)
"On behalf of my brain, which could do for some scrubbing now as a result of the invasion, I thank you." he teased, remaining where he sat for the moment as they stared at each other across the space of the observation deck that seemed to gape between them. The space, though, had been there since he'd posed the question of kids...she'd given it to him, he'd taken it, but it was still there and it bugged him a little.

Okay, it bugged him a lot.

Sighing deeply, he let his head hang for a moment as the lyric rolled through his mind again...then lifted it to stare at the sky as he spoke.

"So...before I come inside? I need to talk about this whole having kids thing one more time. Not the last time, either...but that's okay." he declared with a cockeyed little nod. "But there's some things you gotta know...y'know, just so I'm not sleeping on the couch for the rest of my life."

He paused, lowering his gaze back to her as he smiled. "Addie, I love you. And I wanna have a family with you. You're not ready...I get that. And it's okay...but I'm not gonna stop asking you about it. Not now...not ever."

Sliding off the railing to stand on the deck, he leaned back against it and folded his arms. "I know you'll keep saying no, but know what? That's okay, too. It's okay that you're not ready...because one day you will be. I know it, I believe it...and one day, you will too. You'll see what a fabulous mother you're gonna be, and you'll realize that this thing between us...when you love someone as much as I love you? Miracles happen. So...I'm gonna keep asking. And I want that to be okay, because you can tell me to go straight to hell and it won't hurt me."
no_russianbride
Jan. 13th, 2008 07:46 am (UTC)
That distance stayed there between them and she hated it. She hated not being able to lean into his touch, or feel that warmth of him surrounding her just by him being close to her. Constantly asking her to marry him was one thing. It was funny at times, and annoying at others but she knew that in time she'd be ready for that. This wasn't funny, and it wasn't annoying either because it was not only her life... but his and theirs and this child that was out there somewhere and she didn't even want to decide that now. She didn't want to feel like everytime he asked her she'd be put on the spot like she had been when the pop quiz proposals started.

Shaking her head she dropped from his gaze staring at the ground, "This isn't something you can play at Jim. You can't throw this at me just because you're so sure about it. Don't you think this hurts me? That you're so sure of something that I haven't a clue about? That you've made up your mind and now you're just waiting for me to catch up to your plan?"

Finally breaking from the stare to the concrete she met his eyes, "I'm sorry Jim... but I can't tell you to go to hell and I can't make you stop, but I also can't be part of something you're trying to make me think about all the time either. If I ever want this I don't want it to be something I've finally come around to liking, I want it to be a moment... just one moment when I know. Not just you wearing me down... this isn't something you can wear a person down into thinking the same way about."

Addie hated it, she hated fighting and she hated feeling so helpless and stuck and if she had anyone there to talk to her about it she would go to them, but all she had was Jim... and at the moment he was the problem.

"I'm sorry but I just can't do this right now. I came out here to see if we could just let it go, to just go back to the way it was before all this baby stuff came up, because I do love you and I'll always love you but I can't stand here knowing that at some point you'll bring it up again, when you know I'm not ready."

She felt like she was going to cry and rather than let herself break down and even get herself more worked up over it she just turned around, waving her hand across the controls the door opened and she moved back into the hallway and started to head toward somewhere that wasn't where everything was just wrong.
irish_sherlock
Jan. 13th, 2008 04:48 pm (UTC)
His first reaction was anger at the fact that she thought this was a game to him...but it didn't last, not when he'd been so badly misunderstood. He could be annoyed with her later...first he needed to fix this.

Jim shook his head, moving to close the space between them, jogging across the observation deck to catch her just past the door. Laying his hands on her shoulders, he gently turned her to face him. "No no no no no no no no, baby...Jesus, that came out way wrong." he murmured quietly. "Addie, baby...this isn't like getting married, I get that. And it's not something I'm gonna be lobbing at you every day, no. I'm not trying to wear you down or hurt you, just...crap, this is hard."

And that was the whole point...this was hard, and he didn't care, and that was causing problems. It was inevitable that they'd hit a place like this where it was hard to get through to each other...but it didn't mean that he had to like it.

"I'm not playing at anything...I'm deadly serious." Jim went on after taking a moment to collect his thoughts. "And I'm not trying to wear you down...but if you think that me waiting for you to get where I'm at is wrong, then *you're* wrong. I want to know that if I bring this up again in six months, a year, two years, that it'll be okay for me to bring up. I know I dick around about a lot of stuff, but I'm not about to do this here. I have no intention of turning this into a circus, I just want to be able to talk about this more than just right now, y'know?"

He paused, snorting softly in laughter that didn't have a lot of humor. "God, I hate fighting." he sighed. "And the fuck of it is? If I didn't love you so damn much, I wouldn't want kids so bad, and we wouldn't even be stuck in this weirdo place."
no_russianbride
Jan. 13th, 2008 10:46 pm (UTC)
She wanted to listen to him, but the words that came from him didn't even sound like the Jim she knew, and the worst part of it was that she felt so betrayed by all of it and she didn't even want to think about it anymore. Still he had chased after her and so she let him speak his peace and she shrugged her shoulder out of his grasp, "I'm sorry Jim... I just can't do this right now."

Why couldn't he just be happy that she knew he wanted kids with her and leave it at that, and let her come to him? Why did it have to be something he would bring up. She was confused and hurt and all she knew was that if she stayed there she was going to say something she'd regret and she didn't want that, so she just kept moving on down the hallway hoping that he didn't follow because if he did... she wasn't sure what she'd do.
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